crap i liked about my childhood

i'm kind of negative most of the time (i prefer "realistic") so it's nice to indulge in the occasional expression of happiness. it keeps my friends from hating me. so here is a list of crap i liked about my childhood in no particular order:

1. the liquor store. in MA, we call them "package stores." i just attempted to find out why that is, and the internet informs me there is a Massachusetts Package Stores Association (MassPack) with the slogan "strength in unity." i find that odd. in other news, if you're jimmy cerretti you refer to it as the "packie." The packie was a magical land full of deliciously illicit items like scratch tickets, cigarettes, and porn magazines behind the counter. The people working in them were happy. They also sell gum. They have a seedy, comforting smell.

2. Full House. this was basically the best sitcom ever made. i was so obsessed with it i named my dog "candy" after candace frickin cameron. i still reference danny tanner's commitment issues. everyone said i looked like stephanie tanner when i was little, which thrilled me. now she is a divorced meth addict or something, and DJ is a jesus freak married to a hockey player, but the happy memories live on in my brain.

3. Packaged s'mores. I don't even know if they sell these anymore or what company produced them, but i ate them ALL THE TIME. i remember bringing a package of them out to my yard for some neighbor friend of mine and when i came back inside my dad was all "i ain't trying to feed the whole damn neighborhood here, princess!" and i thought he was really mean.

4. Faking sick. my dad is a construction worker so he was always out of the house really early, and my mom seriously did not give a shit if i went to school. it was insane. i would put a NOTE on the outside of my door late at night if i knew i wouldn't feel like going the next day that said some bullshit like "dear mom, don't feel good. don't wake me up. see you later. love, jamie" and she would ACTUALLY NOT WAKE ME UP. when she still had to drive josh and i to school, she would usually just let him stay home on those days too. some girl alina demeo told me i smelled like cigarettes in sixth grade and it gave me a complex, to the point where i forced my mom not to smoke on the way to school. this made her crazy, so any chance to not drive us in the morning was really a boon for her. josh and i would hang out, watch re-runs of fresh prince, build shit with legos, etc. it was glorious.

5. my grandma. peggy died when i was 14, but before that she was the most fun babysitter ever. she was really ornery and i loved to touch the weird papery skin on the underside of her arm. she once left a cigarette smouldering when she threw it out and set the trash aflame. it was incredible. she also once put a log in the woodstove that was way too big, and her solution was to put the bottom part of one of those old, blue plastic humidifiers beneath the end of the log that was sticking out. it made no sense. she drove a little blue car that had beaded seatcovers (!) and inexplicably beeped like a truck when she backed up. she brought me to her hairdresser in 4th grade. the hairdresser, RIP, was named roxy and she gave me a short, permed hairdo that was more or less identical to my grandma's. i didn't go to school for three days, my mom didn't speak to her for a month, and the next three years remain undocumented in photos because i was so ugly. my grandma was just like "it will grow back, jamie." words of widsom.

6. serial books. ex: nancy drew, babysitters club, sweet valley high, OH GOD I LOVED THEM ALL. i can't remember a damn thing i learned in college, but sweet jesus i can recall plot lines from those books in vivid detail. they made me feel normal and connected to the rest of society in a way i often didn't. they taught me what was cool.

7. pop music. my first concert, in 1988, was tiffany and i am NOT joking when i say that New Kids on the Block opened for her. that was also the year my mom got me a pink boom box and a casette tape of debbie gibson's out of the blue (for easter). i had mono at an inappropriately young age (10) and spent half a summer in bed, wishing for death/pretending to be the little boy in "the secret garden." as a reward for convalescing, my dad took me to see the New Kids at foxboro stadium. i wore black mc hammer pants and a white t-shirt with a sparkly, glittery leopard that stretched around the side so the head was on the front and the tail was on the back. it was the best day of my life up to that point. it was okay to love music in that deep, free way where you don't think to care what anyone else has to say about it. i can no longer listen to songs with lyrics such as "A dream come true/I never thought Id fall in love with you/Out of the, out of the, out of the, out of the clear blue..." because i would be bored out of my godamn mind. it was a simpler time, really.

there are probably more but the compelling tale of a mysterious island where people are attacked by flying fiery arrows while attempting to escape a time warp is calling me.